The Bourne Again Identity Revisited
by halle mcready
Summary: Missing scenes and Dean's thoughts during "Bourne Again Identity." Pre-destiel undertones. Angst.
1. Chapter 1

Dean can't stop thinking about saving Sam, about everything he's lost, and of course, about the angel that betrayed him. Missing scenes and Dean's thoughts from "The Bourne Again Identity." Pre-destiel undertones. Angst.

These characters don't belong to me… and all that stuff. Hope you like, please tell me what you think

SPN SPN SPN

Dean shut off the radio in the Impala with a sigh. _The radio stations around here suck_, he thought. He was most of the way to Colorado to look for Emmanuel. Though he was still pretty skeptical about this healer being legit, he still couldn't help believing Mackey. He had seemed like a good hunter, he reminded Dean a lot of himself actually.

All he could think about, all his mind kept coming back to, was his last conversation with Sam, and how defeated he had been. Sam had really given up on finding anything that would work. Sam had given up on his brother and himself. Dean knew what it was like to want to give up, to feel so utterly lost you want to drink yourself into oblivion and never wake up, but he never went that far. Something had always pulled him back. _We've survived so freakin' much in our lives, why can't we make it through one more thing?_ Except, Dean didn't know if he believed it would happen this time. He had gotten so used to pulling a victory out of thin air; he just couldn't give up, even when it seemed this hopeless. But the last year had really pushed him to his breaking point. He really hoped this Emmanuel guy had the answer. Dean had lost everyone, and now if he lost Sam, he really would have no reason to keep trying. He wouldn't be able to keep going. Everything would just be too hopeless.

Dean parked the Impala in front of a pretty nice looking house. It was big, in an upper-middle class neighborhood. Everything looked normal, it didn't look like anything supernatural was living there, but Dean knew no matter how normal someone or something seemed, you never could tell what was hidden inside.

Dean knocked on the cherry wood door, really not sure what to expect. A pretty vanilla looking guy in a sweater and slacks answered the door. With an eyebrow raised, silently evaluating the man before him, Dean asked for the healer's wife Daphne Allen. He explained he was looking for Emmanuel. As Dean spoke with Mr. Vanilla on the front porch, he saw a woman tied up inside through the front window. Before he knew it the demon had thrown him against the door, shattering the glass with the back of his head.

"Whatever he is, Crowley's going to want him, a lot more than he wants you these days¸ so…"

Dean stabbed the demon with his knife, hurling him down the stairs of the front porch. He landed at the feet of who Dean presumed was the real Emmanuel just arriving home. As Dean looked up at the man he froze, his breath just wouldn't come.

_Cas _his mind supplied. _Cas is alive. _

Cas looked up finally meeting Dean's eyes. There wasn't even a flicker of recognition. Cas didn't know who Dean was.

"What was that?" He sounded like Cas. Though he wasn't dressed like Cas, Dean acknowledged that was partly because he still had the trench coat in the trunk of his car. He had brought it with him from city to city, transferring it from trunk to trunk when they had to swap cars. He had tried not to think about what that said about him, and Sam never brought it up, much to Dean's relief.

Dean needed to snap out of it, _not Cas _was still staring at him completely confused. _He doesn't know who you are._ Dean finally found his voice, a little deeper than normal, sounding raw to even his own ears, "Emmanuel?" Cas nodded almost imperceptibly. _His mannerisms are still the same. _"We need to carry him inside before someone sees." Casstill looks confused but, not willing to question the man that just killed this thing on his front porch, he grabs the man's feet and helps Dean carry him inside. They shut the door with one last good look around to make sure they're in the clear.

Cas immediately goes to the woman tied to the chair, Dean notices the intimate way his hands linger on her when he unties her, the way he meets her gaze. He doesn't know why but it makes him sick.

"Did that creature hurt you?"

"I'm okay… but, Emmanuel, they were looking for you."

Witnessing them makes Dean's chest constrict. He takes a deep breath and refuses to think about why he feels the way he does. _Get it together._

"I'm Emmanuel." Cas reaches to shake Dean's hand, this introduction nearly undoing the calm he's managed to gather so far.

"Dean" he stutters, clearing his throat and a little more confidant sounding he hopes, "I'm… Dean."

"Thank you for protecting my wife," Cas says with genuine gratitude in his eyes.

"You're wife." Dean stutters again, mentally berating himself, _sack up._

"I saw his face, his real face." Cas says turning to Daphne.

"He was a demon," Dean answers, wondering if Cas remembered what he is, or about anything at all.

"A demon walked the earth…" Cas says, looking down at the floor, letting the information sink in.

"Demons… boat loads of 'em, you don't…." Dean trailed off. _He doesn't remember anything; he doesn't know he's an angel. _

"You saw the demons true face?" Daphne asks, then turning to Dean, "Emmanuel has very special gifts." She says by way of explanation.

"I've heard that about… Emmanuel." Dean says, trying to sound nonchalant. Cas looks away. _He looks almost embarrassed. _"You can heal people up."

"I seem to be able to help to a certain degree."

_Now he's humble…well too little too late._ Anger sparks in Dean and he can't help the emotions flooding him, he takes a deep breath.

"What's your issue?" Cas asks, straightening up, meeting Dean's gaze.

_Remember I'm here for Sammy. _"It's my brother." Dean tells the couple that nothing is working, that he can't lose his brother, and that he can drive Emmanuel to Sam right now. Of course Cas agrees to help; Dean had just saved his wife.


	2. Chapter 2

I hope you guys like this, writing OC is difficult for me. If it's no good please tell me :) Hope you enjoy

Chapter 2

Once night fell they disposed of the demon's body. Now Deans sits in the Impala watching Cas and Daphne. He can't hear them over the roar of the engine, but he can see their body language. They definitely do _all_ of the things couples do. Dean is reminded of the time he brought Cas to the brothel and smiles in spite of himself for just a moment before pushing that thought out of his mind. He straightens up in his seat as Cas opens the door and gets in. They drive in semi-comfortable silence for the better part of an hour before Dean finally speaks up.

"So Daphne's your wife?"

Cas nods, "She found me, cared for me…"

"Meaning?" Dean wanted to know, _really_ wanted to know what he remembered, how he was alive.

"Oh, it's a strange story, you may not like it."

"Believe me, I will." Dean stated, looking over and making eye contact to prove his point.

That was all the encouragement Cas needed, "a few months ago she was hiking by the river and I… wandered into her path… drenched and confused and… unclothed." Cas looked embarrassed for the second time that night. Dean almost chuckled to himself, _still same old prude Cas_. "I had no memory. She said God wanted her to find me."

Dean tries not to look too skeptical, but doesn't miss the almost cynical expression on Cas' face. "So who named you Emmanuel?" Dean was surprised by how easily their conversation flowed; it felt like old times for a very brief moment.

"Bouncing baby names dot com."

Dean tries to keep the incredulous expression off of his face while recognizing how fitting the name really is. "Well it's working for you. Must be weird not knowing who you are." _He's gonna freak when he finds out about everything, about what he did._

"It's my life, it's a good life." Cas says this as if he's thought about this before, but he's already dealt with it. He's okay with not knowing. Dean can't blame him there.

"And what if, you were some sort of, I dunno, a bad guy." Dean doesn't really phrase it as a question.

Cas looks confused by the turn in conversation but he doesn't change the subject. "I don't feel like a bad person."

Silence falls over the two of them, but both men are too deep in their own thoughts to care. Dean can't help but replay the events of the last year in his mind. He thinks back to when Cas helped him and Sam stop the apocalypse. How much Dean had depended on him. Cas really had been the best friend he had ever had. Dean would never admit it out loud but, he knew he took advantage of Cas. He told himself he had needed Cas' help for the greater good so he was obligated. He told himself that made it okay that he didn't have time to be patient with Cas, but that was a lie and deep down he knew it. He ordered Cas around and demeaned him to hide how much he really cared about Cas. He would have done anything for Cas. He assumed that Cas must have known that but, given how he had treated him; maybe it wasn't obvious to anyone but him. Dean blamed himself for what Cas did. Maybe if he had been a better friend, kinder to his angel, then Cas wouldn't have felt it necessary to hide things from him. Maybe he wouldn't have made that arrangement with Crowley at all. Dean would never forgive himself. That was part of why he was so angry with Cas, he was angry with himself. But that wasn't the worst part. The part that had him in knots, the part that hurt the most, was losing Cas. Watching him sink below the depths of that water and having nothing but that damned coat to grieve over had torn Dean apart. Losing Cas had hurt more than losing Bobby. The fact that Cas was indirectly responsible for Bobby's death made the pain even more tangled and all consuming. His best friend was sitting next to him and all he wanted to do was grab him and hold on for dear life. He wanted to make sure he wasn't going anywhere, but it wasn't really his Cas and that hurt even more. He just wanted to make sure Cas knew everything. He couldn't forgive Cas yet, he couldn't even forgive himself.

At some point, it could have been minutes or hours, Dean wasn't really sure, Cas interrupted his thoughts. "So, your brother…"

"Sam." Dean provided.

"Sam…what's his diagnosis?"

"Well, it's not exactly medical."

"That should be fine. I can cure illness of a spiritual origin."

"Spiritual? Ok…" Dean hadn't ever thought to call it that exactly. The direction this conversation was taking was starting to bring his anger back to the surface. _Spiritual my ass, you broke my brother._ "Someone did this to him."

"You're angry."

"Well, yeah. Dude broke my brother's head." _You broke my brother's head._

"He betrayed you this dude? He was your friend?"

Dean looked over at Cas, no longer able to hide the hurt anymore. Even now, Cas could read him like a book. Dean paused before answering. _You were more than my friend. _Dean decides not to answer that. "Yeah well, he's gone."

"Did you kill him?" Cas surprised Dean with this, it was written all over his face. "I sense that you kill a lot of people."

Dean was taken aback. He took a breath before answering. "I don't know if he is dead….I just know that this whole thing couldn't be messier. I used to be able to shake this stuff off. It might take me some time, but I always could. What…Cas… did, I just can't. I don't know why." Dean really didn't want to think about why.

"It doesn't matter why."

"Of course it matters."

"No, you're not a machine Dean, you're human… You're friends name was Cas? That's an odd name." That comment made Dean smirk.

Silence once again fell over the car. Dean couldn't help but think, why was this so much harder to let go of than everything else? He was having more trouble dealing with the aftermath of God/Cas than he did when he got back from hell. At least the memories of hell began to fade. His memories of Cas still stung like a bitch. He still drank himself to sleep every night so he wouldn't have to dream about those blue eyes looking back him, all traces of Cas gone. That smirk on his distorted face as he threw Dean across the room, then watching Cas disappear in that lake. Sometimes he would get the trench coat out when Sam wasn't around, just to hold, or look at. _It's not like he smelled it or anything, hoping it still smelled like Cas. _He didn't want to acknowledge that was because he knew it smelled like stagnant lake water, not like his angel.

They drove in silence, each stewing in their own thoughts, for what felt like hours to Dean. Eventually he realized this might be his only chance to tell Cas a few things. "You know, it wasn't all Cas' fault."

Cas looked startled, like he had forgotten there was someone else in the car with him. He didn't say anything though, he just looked at Dean, eyebrows furrowed, head tilted to the side, silently urging Dean to continue.

"If I had been a better friend to Cas… he wouldn't have been driven to do… what he did." Dean glanced over at Cas, trying to feel him out. He wondered if the more they talked if it wouldn't bring back some memories for him.

"Is that why you can't forgive him?"

It was a good question. Dean paused, taking a breath, before he answered. "I suppose that's probably part of it."

"Was he a good friend to you before that?" Cas still had that same look on his face but now he was staring out the window, pensive and unreadable.

Dean responded barely above a whisper, "the best."


	3. Chapter 3

*yes, I realize he's not driving the Impala, but my mind just keeps putting it there anyway when I type. I thought I changed it before I uploaded the story but I didn't, oh well. I choose to believe they're driving the Impala, I just like it better Anyway, I hope someone out there might be enjoying this. Reviews make me very happy

Chapter 3

Dean and Cas drove until after the sun came up. Dean stopped to get snacks for them when he was jumped by a couple of demons, and guess who showed up to save the day? None other than Meg. She was the last person, _thing, _he had wanted to see just then. Despite her being useful at times, Dean still couldn't stand the sight of her. He really didn't want to bring Meg back to Cas, but the way he saw it, he didn't really have a choice.

Cas was definitely taken aback by the demon. Dean could see the fear and mistrust written all over his face, _if only he knew he could smite her whenever he wanted._ Dean did have to admit however, the fact that Cas looked past all of that, and he had accepted her because Dean _said so. _Well, that really shook Dean down to his core. Something in Cas recognized Dean, told him to trust Dean. _Maybe deep down he remembers me? _

As the three of them rode in the Impala in silence, Dean almost cracked himself up; it was like the start of a bad porno. Sam was always telling him to stop confusing porn with real life, but this was just too funny.

"The silence is very uncomfortable. Is there something I need to know?" Cas spoke up, disturbing the tenuous truce Dean and Meg had to ignore each other.

"I don't know… Dean?" Meg says turning to Dean, a smirk playing at the edge of her mouth. She knows he doesn't want to tell Cas anything at least until after he fixes Sam. She's trying to get on his nerves, and it's definitely working.

"No, Meg has that effect. Awkward, you know?"

"That must be very difficult for you." Cas says, feeling sorry for Meg, totally clueless to Dean's sardonic sense of humor.

"Dean was making a joke Emmanuel." Meg glares over at Dean.

"Oh…" Cas chuckles.

Yes, Dean is annoyed with the situation, with Cas' still complete cluelessness. Yet, he likes hearing Cas chuckle. He's only heard it a handful of times. He wonders how many times he's laughed since walking out of the river without the benefit of his memories. Probably plenty, Dean thinks.

Eventually the three of them get to the hospital where they're keeping Sam. It's dark, so they aren't noticed as they stand on the hill above the building scoping the place out for demons. They find plenty of demons possessing staff _and_ patients.

"How many of those knives do you have?" Cas asks, barely concealing his anxiety.

"Just the one." Dean grunts.

"Well, forgive me but how do we get past them?"

"Yeah, Dean... Any idea how we can blast through that?" Meg is really starting to piss Dean off with the hinting around.

"Excuse us," Dean drags Meg away to remind her why they can't just tell Cas everything. Meg keeps insinuating he hasn't told Cas anything because he's enjoying the time with him. That just pisses Dean off even more because she's getting very close to a truth Dean won't acknowledge. Their arguing is intense enough that they don't notice Cas approaching.

"I gather we know each other." He interrupts, earning startled looks from the both of them.

"Just a dollop." Meg responds with her usual lack of charm.

"You can tell me, I'll be fine."

"How do you know? You just met yourself. I've known you for years." Dean is starting to get upset now; this isn't going at all how he wanted.

Cas is looking at Dean with that furrowed expression.

"You're an angel." Meg interrupts, finally having enough of doing things Dean's way.

"I'm sorry, is that a flirtation?" Cas is now both thoroughly confused and disgusted.

"No, it's a species. A very powerful one." Meg responds, condescending as ever.

"She's not lying. That's why you heal people… you don't eat. I'm sure there's more." Might as well lay it all out, there's no going back now.

"Why wouldn't you tell me? Being an angel, that sounds pleasant."

"It's not... it's bloody, it's corrupt…" Dean says trailing off, he doesn't want to get into how bloody it really was.

"He would know. You used to fight together. Bestest friends actually." Now Meg is really enjoying annoying Dean.

"We were… friends?" Cas asks almost hopeful.

Dean just glares at Cas when he asks that question.

Cas takes a deep breath, it's all starting to make sense. "Am I Cas?" When no one responds that's all the answer he needs. "I had no idea. I don't remember you, I'm sorry."

Dean tries to hide the hurt look that surfaces on his face.

"Look, you've got the juice, you can smite every demon in that lot." Meg is pleading with him to remember, to try.

"But I don't remember how…"

"It's in there. I'm sure it's just like riding a bike." Dean really is trying to help motivate Cas, but it's difficult.

"I don't know how to do that either."

Dean just rolls his eyes, exasperated beyond belief right now.

"Alright I'll try." Cas begins slowly marching toward the demons guarding the building.

"This ain't gonna go well." Dean can only picture the demons ripping apart mild mannered _Emmanuel._

"I don't know, I believe in the little tree-topper." Meg responds with a smirk that doesn't sit well with Dean.

He watches Cas walk down the hill toward the demons, half expecting he's about to witness his friends death _again._ Dean flinches as Cas walks up to the first demon and paws at him, not quite sure what he's doing, but then something kind of amazing happens. Cas hesitates and then puts his hand to the demons head and smites him. Dean and Meg shield their eyes, he had forgotten how blinding the power of the angel can be.

As Cas moves on to the next demon he begins to look more confident. He's starting to move like a soldier. He looks more and more like _Castiel angel of the Lord _and less and less like _Emmanuel._ Dean is filled with something like awe watching his angel, trying to catch his breath as all of the emotions he's been burying threaten to surface. When Dean sees Cas use his angel mojo to get in front of a demon trying to run away from him, he's pretty sure his Cas is back. As the last demon falls to the ground they make their way down the hill to Cas. He hasn't moved from where he stood in front of that demon, still facing away, his shoulders tense. Dean can't help the knots in his stomach as he approaches him.

"Cas?" Dean asks hesitantly, not really sure what to expect.

Cas answers him with his back to Dean. "I remember you…"

As he turns around Dean is nearly knocked back by the look on his face. It's like he's only seeing him again for the first time. A look of shear horror and pain across Cas' face, his piercing blue eyes full of shame.

"I remember everything." Cas stands there a moment, trying to collect his thoughts, trying to find the words he needs to speak to his friend for the first time really. "What I did… What I became… Why didn't you tell me?" If he wasn't so filled with pain he would have sounded angry.

"Because Sam's dying in there-"

"-Because of me." Cas snarls at Dean, cutting him off." Everything… all these people…" Cas glances around, looking more distraught by the second, "I shouldn't be here." Cas starts to walk away, trying to escape all that he's feeling.

"Cas… Cas!" Dean yells after him. "You stay here." Dean growls at Meg. She knows enough to stay out of this one, that only Dean has a shot at talking Cas down now.

Dean follows Cas back up the hill, trying to reason with him. "You remember, you know you did the best you could at the time."

"Don't defend me Dean. Do you have any idea the death toll in heaven… _on Earth!_ We didn't part friends Dean." Cas looks right at Dean, _into Dean. _

"So what?" Dean responds, a little breathless. He had forgotten how intense it can be to be under Cas' gaze. It feels like he's looking _through _him.

"I deserved to die. So I can't possibly fix it, so why did I even walk out of that river?" Cas' voice breaks at the last part, tears threatening to fall.

"Maybe to fix it… Wait." Dean remembers something. This is the way he can show Cas who he really is, that Dean has always remembered.

The look on Cas' face, when he sees the coat Dean pulls out of the trunk, floors him.

"You kept it?" He asks Dean, looking into his eyes, through him. He sees all of the pain Dean's been trying desperately to bury. Cas looks ashamed and something else… something Dean doesn't want to place right now.

"Of course. I figured when you came back again you might need it." Dean means it as a joke about all of Cas' resurrections, but it falls flat. Dean never thought he'd see Cas again.

Cas takes the coat from Dean and puts it on. Despite the blood stains it just looks… _right. _Cas gives Dean the slightest of nods and marches past Dean down the hill. He's determined now to save Sam. If he ever hopes to redeem himself to Dean, this is where he starts. Dean watches after him for a moment, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He realizes how much he really _missed _Cas. It was an ache so deep it threatened to swallow him. _Cas is back now, he's going to save Sam._ Dean watches Cas' determined march for another few seconds before trailing behind him. _Cas is really back._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Dean and Cas separate once they get into the hospital. Dean goes straight for Sam's room, when he doesn't find him there he starts to panic. With all of the demons that have shown up he really hopes Cas finds him first. All at once Cas appears in the room, fingers pressed to Sam's head, he's lying on the bed.

"Sam?" Dean approaches his brother. He still looks disoriented and lost. Sam looks away toward an empty chair by the bed and doesn't seem to notice Dean is there. Dean assumes he must be seeing Lucifer by the way the empty chair seems to be annoying his brother. Dean snaps at Cas, "What are you waiting for? Fix him."

"I can't." Cas says looking very defeated.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"The wall crumbled. There's nothing left, the pieces were crushed to dust by whatever is going on his head." Cas looks absolutely devastated. He had hoped this would be the thing he could do to start to repair things between him and Dean. Ever since his memories came flooding back to him, so has the desire to redeem himself to the Winchester.

Dean just slumps back against the wall. He knew there would be no saving Sam. He had just refused to admit it to himself. Dean's ashamed to admit to himself that a small part of him is relieved. Not to be losing Sam, that is devastating, but that the fight is over. He's so tired of fighting. He's knows that he did everything he could, but it still hadn't been enough. He had thought he might just give up if he couldn't save Sam, but now that Cas is back… Dean might have something to stick around for.

"This isn't a problem I can make disappear Dean, I think you know that…" Cas pauses, his voice filled with despair, and then suddenly a look of determination comes over his features. "But I may be able to shift it."

"Shift it?" Dean asks, watching Cas walk towards Sam with a look of pure resolve on his face.

"I'll be fine, it's better this way."

"Cas, what are you going to do?" Dean's starting to panic now. What does he mean don't worry about him? _I can't lose Cas again, I just got him back._

Cas rolls his sleeve up and reaches for Sam, telling him how sorry he is. Sam tries to scramble back, obviously hallucinating something to do with Lucifer. As Cas touches Sam's head and this red energy works its way up his arm and into Cas' mind, Dean is stunned silent. Then suddenly, Sam is back and Cas is backed up against the wall, wearing the same frightened look that Sam had.

"Cas? Are you okay?" Dean approaches him hesitantly. When Cas doesn't respond, Dean feels lost. _Why can't I have my brother back and keep Cas. Why can't I have both? _

After they realize what Cas had done, Dean insists they can't bring Cas with them._ I can't look at his face every day knowing there's nothing I can do for him, it would break me all over again. _

Dean can't forgive himself as he looks into the room and watches Cas sitting on that hospital bed, unmoving. He doesn't want to leave him in that place, but he has to make the best of this second chance he and his brother have, to clean up Cas' mess. Dean makes himself a promise then and there, that he will find a way to save Cas from Sam's insanity. He will get Cas back again. Right now he will find a way to defeat the Leviathans, but after that, Dean will save Cas. He has to. He missed him too damn much.

FIN

So I know that wasn't great and was pretty short, but I wanted to write something that explained what I thought was going on in Dean's mind during that episode. I hope you liked it, please let me know what you all think. Thanks for reading guys :)


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